Damn, You Must Be A Businessman!

I, unfortunately, never got to see who this conversation was between but I think it makes it just a little bit better!

"Damn! You got a fancy phone like that! You must be important!"
"Yeah..."
"Must be a business man!"
"Yeah. You know we all gotta work."
"You got games on there too?"
"Eh..."
"You gotta ask a geek what games to get. I know how to turn it on..."

5 minutes later...

"Where do you get all your smarts from? School?"
"I get busy!"
"Pscht. I don't need to know all 50 states."

Men Are Jerks.... Don't You Think?!

Today as I was sitting on the beach watching my boyfriend teach a surf lesson a drunk, seemingly homeless (he would somewhat prove me wrong on that one....) man approached me...


"Men are jerks! Don't you think? I don't mean to scare you... I just want you to know that men are jerks!"
"Yeah..."
"I hope no one steals my stuff... It's just a tarp and some food. I came here to meet a guy who said he wanted to fight me but he didn't show up! He was a big guy too! HUGE! So now since he didn't show up, I'm drinking a 40! I have to go back to the Haight soon to sing. I make $102 singing you know. Can I sing for you?"
"No, it's okay."
"I have a wife and kids. She grew up in Santa Cruz, my kids were born there... We have a house there. I also have 7 castles in England, you know? .... Can I sing for you? I'm not trying to pick up on you... One wife is enough!! Can I please practice my vocals for you? I'm on my knees begging you like John Lennon!"
"No, I have to watch this surf lesson."
"Honey, you don't have to do anything! You don't have to do a thing he tells you. Men don't control you!! I'm going to walk over here and practice my vocals, just so you know."

As he finally walked away another surf instructor came running up to me and told me that some other woman had called the cops on this guy because she had had a much more threatening conversation with this guy. Luckily he only wanted to warn me about men and finally understood my brush off!

No bag? No Problem.

Epitome of laziness? I see two free hands.... 

Road Rage

Today I was on the 24 and not one person was talking which seemed eerily quiet to me but, whatever, I thought. I even felt too awkward to call my friend on the phone like I had planned to, until....

"LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE!!! JESUS!!!"

comes flying out of my Muni driver's mouth.

Who's Birthday Is It Really?

"You know what I give my grandkids for Christmas? IOU's. It's not their birthdays, it's Jesus'." - Older woman to a stranger on the 72.

Beauty & Brains

"You got a B? ... No? You got a C? Come on! You gotta get the grades to match the beauty!"

Little Boy Blues

Today on the K there was a little boy sitting next to me dressed in a full suit. He was the cutest little thing and he had his head on his mom's lap and hummed to himself the entire way. Something about it comforted me so much. Loved it!

Praise Jesus, A Woman!

Today the 43 Masonic was super packed but I managed to see a couple seats in back that no one was using. So I made my way back there and there was a young guy with a skateboard standing in the way. I ducked under his arm and he let me by and when he did a crazy man in the row behind mine goes:

"Yeah!!!"
Skateboarder: That was chivalry.
Man: Praise Jesus!! You brought me a woman!
Skater: Are you Christian?
Man: Protestant. Fuck those Mormons! You follow Jesus, you get the women.
Skater: I go to church every Sunday and I have a woman. So you're right!
Man: I don't. My ex smoked crack 3 times and I did too and she still says "I love you".... NO!! End that conversation!
Skater: Haha
Man: My name's Bruce Lee. What's yours?
Skater: I used to be obsessed with Bruce Lee too.
Man: I'm not obsessed. I AM Bruce Lee!
Skater: Alright this is my stop.
Man: What's your name?
Skater: Ignatius
Man: Is that biblical? Wait! Is that biblical!?! Does anyone on the bus know if that's biblical?! Well.... close enough! That boy is under the spirit. Knocking on Jesus' door with that name. White people are nice. ALL OF THEM!

This man smelled like tuna and the whole conversation had me thinking maybe the skater was a little nuts too.

Painful Conversations On Muni...

This conversation made my stomach churn.. Don't worry, it does it worse and worse and so much worse as it goes on.....

Girl: But you'll see her when she gets back right?
Guy: Yeah, of course.
Girl: So... Are you single while she's gone?
Guy: What do you mean? We're married.
Girl: Well while she's away do you guys see other people?
Guy: Sometimes.. It depends.
Girl: I don't understand....
Guy: Oh. You're just 18. You don't understand! I'm just going to stretch my arm out around you... That's better! Sometimes we just don't get along when she's here but it's awkward because we only have one bed. So of course, you just roll over and have sex!
Girl: Where does she want to go?
Guy: She's not sure yet but not Africa because she says white people don't belong there.
Girl: Where else could she go?
Guy: I don't know but I have a friend who went to  Thailand and his friend got raped. It was like... 'The forecast is fog with a chance of rape!' Hahaha.
Girl: What do you do when she's gone?
Guy: The thing is, I have lots of friends but I wouldn't really want to have sex with them.... I went to a gay bar with a buddy because he said it was a good way to pick up chicks.
Girl: How?
Guy: Fag hags. Girls that go with their gay friends to gay bars. They are always complaining. Those stupid girls but there are so many! Do you get that?
Girl: No... Fag hags?
Guy: It's complicated.... They complain to their gay friends and then go drinking.


UGHHH!!!! I wish I hadn't been there to here this one.

Men Are Like Children

Professor: "So when a kid is punished, it has to be done immediately after what they did wrong."
Student: "Like men."
Professor: "You mean like human beings..."
Student: "No. I mean like men!"

So good :)

Muni Makes You Drink

Buddy, you aren't fooling anyone with your bloodshot eyes and brown paper bag... The giggling to yourself doesn't help either.

Man Whore?

"Hearing you say that makes me happy I'm single... That doesn't mean I'm a man ho... DUH!!" - Guy on the 43 Masonic

151 For Breakfast

Today on the 43 Masonic, two people got on together. One was hiding a big bottle of Bacardi 151 in his coat pocket not very discretely. They both sit down and he takes the bottle out of his pocket and it is clear that the bottle is stolen because the security clasp is still on it. They both try to pry it off without success except that the girl does get some spilled on her somehow. This is all happening two blocks before the stop to get off at school and the girl goes:

"We'll have to keep trying, but now I smell like Bacardi. It's not big deal, it's just school."

She wasn't being sarcastic and this was at 8:30am.... Never too early for some 151 I guess!

You Smell Gooood

I got the following compliment from the guy sitting next to me on the 43 this morning:

Guy: Excuse me....
Me: Yes?
Guy: Most people don't know how to choose perfume very well but ... you really do!!

DTF

"Dude.... She was totally DTF. I mean, really! She kept playing with my hair... Like this! Seriously dude.... wow." - One dude to another at Powell Station

Stop Whoring!

Yesterday as I left Powell Station a man looked at me and yelled:

"Quit the whoring! Marry a virgin!"

Thank you, sir, for the advice.....

When Your Muni Driver Gets Frustrated

Today on the K I couldn't tell if my Muni driver was being funny or was seriously pissed off. First, she continuously complained about the driver in the Muni ahead...over the loud speaker:

"She stopped. I have no idea why... Ahhhh. Why would she stop?!"

Then a passenger pulled the stop request right as she was pulling away from a stop. I think we all knew they were requesting the next stop except for this Muni driver. She comes to a sudden stop in the middle of the intersection and, again over the loud speaker, goes:

"Pull before the stop! Are you getting off? Get off!! No. Get off at the next stop and pull before we get there!!"

Best Dressed On Muni

"I don't want no trantrums! No... You can put it down if you don't want to hold it. No trantrums! Aaand heeeree we are!! GEARY AND MASONIC!"

* "Trantrums" is not a typo...

Does Your Brain Get Smaller??

Girl: "You know when you smoke marijuana, you lose brain cells... Does that mean your brain gets smaller?"

Teacher: "No... You are losing cells the same way you do when you age but your brain stays the same size..."

Girl: "So I ain't smart no more?!?"

Sometimes You Have To Just Say No...

Today after a long day at school I got on the 43 Masonic and was happy to see a couple empty seats. A young guy approaches the seat next to me and asks if he can sit - I assumed this was because I had my stuff rolling over onto the seat.

The minute he sits down a god awful wave of B.O. hits me.

Ten minutes later I look over at him from gasping for air on my other side and think he has a friend that he is talking to. I soon find out that he is actually singing and talking to himself. Some of the lyrics I caught from him were:

"I'm not gunna wear a woman's wetsuit... I'm a man! Give me a small man's wetsuit."

"It's my birthday and I want to go out with my friends. But no one compliments me! All my friends are out..." - This is accompanied by him acting like a five year old and pouting and stomping.

He sang the chorus every few lines and it went like this:

"I've got hurt feelings. Hurt feelings. I've got hurt feelings." - In a very high pitched voice.

So, moral of the story is that though I now feel for this guy a little because his song does seem a little sad, sometimes you have to just say no to Muni goers asking to sit next to you!

Who Owns South Beach?

"Literally, that little midget owns HALF of South Beach" - Man talking about Gloria Estefan and her husband.

Must Eat Birds!

"Damn birds.... Acknowledge me!! Acknowledge me you damn birds.... So I can eat you!!" - Homeless & crazy man at Union Square.

Public Restrooms On Market & Church

I'd call it a normal night when you're waiting for the J at Church and Market and a crazy woman begins to pull down her pants.... And you hope it's just to adjust but in fact, yes, she is bending over to pee. And she is not just peeing but yelling some mumbled phrases that you could only comprehend if you got close and I did not think that was worth it even for this blog...

Castro Station Heats Up

Why is the Castro Station always an oven? I understand that San Francisco isn't always the warmest place but we really don't need to crank the heat that much. This morning I had to take off my jacket while waiting for my train - and it's always like that! I sometimes dress specifically for the station, which is so sad, but otherwise it is just too miserable! In winter, when you're wearing a ton of layers and your winter coat, boots and scarves it's even worse. Thank you Muni for trying to do a good thing by keeping us warm but only us Muni riders that are passing through Castro are "enjoying" it, for one, and for two, we don't need to be roasted at 100 degrees! I end up at work looking like I was just at the gym.

The weirder - or maybe the worst - part for me is that no one else seems phased by it. I never see anyone else frantically stripping down like I am. But I promise that doesn't mean it's just me feeling the heat. My boyfriend and some friends have agreed. I guess others are just trying to keep their cool or think they are the only ones feeling it and don't want to look odd. I'd rather look ridiculous and stupid in a tshirt and skirt during the coldest parts of the year here than bright red and sweaty while I wait and when I get to work.

No Disrespect

While walking to the 49 with my boyfriend and his buddy these 2 big guys we pass go:

"Wow!! She has some BEAUTIFUL eyes!"

Then, realizing one of the guys I'm with is probably my boyfriend he says to them:

"Oh, I mean no disrespect!"

Girls Need Headboards

"I don't have a headboard, you know, on my bed. So she didn't have anything to hold onto. You know how girls hang on to the headboard? Yeah well, she didn't have anything to hold on to... So it hit the wall and all this shit fell down" - Teenage boy to his buddy

Unwanted Attention?

While waiting for the 24 Divisadero, the bus going the opposite direction stops across the street. A man on board stands up, opens the window and shouts out: "TITO!!" to a man next to us listening to music. The man next to us does not flinch or notice this. So again, the man yells "Hey, Tito! Tito!" from across the street. We cannot tell if this so called "Tito" really doesn't see or notice this other man or if he does, and is purposely ignoring the other man because either he is not named Tito and the man is confused, or because he just doesn't want to talk. This continues for a good five minutes and the man on the opposite side continues to yell out Tito's name... We are conflicted whether to tell this "Tito" that someone is calling out to him in case he is just oblivious but we decide not to in case he does know him and is purposely ignoring him. None the less, the other bus drives away and the man on the bus is laughing, embarressed by the fact that he was not acknowledged.

No Marker To Grafitti With?

Why not use feces? .... The 38 Geary could not get grosser. On the back steps were two huge tags in what appeared to be feces. What kind, I have no idea but it was disgusting. Come on, Muni!

Mardi Gras Giants Fan

Today a man got on the 35 Eureka wearing a sailor hat, tailored suit and many, many mardi gras beads. He screamed:
"Go Giants! Goooo Giants! GO GO GIANTS!"

Apparently he was well known though, as more than one other passenger, waved at and greeted him.

Caveman

Guy on the 24 tonight dressed like a caveman. He's dressing like I feel.

Proof of Payment

Today on the 38BX a MUNI guy came on the bus to check all our Clipper Cards. It took less than 2 minutes to get through everyone but the man behind me was livid:

"Oh. What the hell? This is such a waste of my time. What a fucking waste of time. God damnit..... This is ridiculous! Jesus christ!"

You would think that his reaction meant he didn't have proof of payment... But no, he did. He just clearly didn't have one tiny moment to spare.

Incidentally, this was the first time I have ever - and I mean ever, in my 20 years of living in San Francisco - been checked for payment on MUNI.

No One On Muni At 6:30am

Today I was on the 24 Divisadero at 6:30am. Nothing special or exciting happened, I just don't think I have ever been on Muni that early and seeing from the lack of people on there, I'm assuming many of you haven't been either.

Lovesick

"She passed me a note in class that said 'I love you'.... I went to the bathroom and threw up." - Ten year old boy to his ten year old friends on the 22.

Women's Clothes?

"Does she have a lot of women's clothes? .... Does Valerie have a lot of women's clothes?!? .... I can come look?!" - 38 Geary, 7pm.

Just Get On The Bus!

Older Asian woman gets on the 1 California today and her Clipper beeps wildly over and over again...

Bus Driver: Press it agaisnt the blue part. Again. Again. Do it again! Again.
Woman: [Looking flustered, ready to give up]
Driver: Again! Do it again! Do it again! Just get on the bus!

This happened twice. The second time with a very elderly Asian man missing all his teeth. Everyone on the bus was laughing at the bus driver's persistance but he seemed to be doing it in more of a supportive tone than an angry one. Nice surprise.

Ass-Naked At Hot Cookie

I was on the 24 Diisadero yesterday and we were stopped right outside of Hot Cookie in the Castro. It was a somewhat nice day so you know you can always expect to see some nudity, especially in the Castro! I guess not everyone was expecting that though seeing from this black couple's reaction:

Man: That guy is ass naked! Like when he was born! That's crazy... He's butt naked trying to buy cookies!
Woman: [hysterically laughing] What the hell is going on here?
Man: He's ass naked. Just like "Hi, can I have 2 cookies, a brownie and those Hot Cookie underpants in the window?"
Woman: [calls her friend and tells the whole story]He is butt naked. I mean butt naked!! You hear me? I am not kidding!
Man: Like he's just coming into the world! Ass hole naked! No socks or nothin! Baseball hat is all...

What else was great was that the entire rest of the bus thought the couple was crazy, as did I,and not the naked guy. As one man on the bus said to them, "It's San Francisco and in this neighborhood that's normal!".

5 Year Old Sings About Life

What's cuter than a 5 year old on the 24 Divisadero singing: "All I need is a song in my heart, food in my belly and love in my family..." to his mom? Not much. This on repeat for the whole bus ride? There are cuter things out there.

Sexual Tension With The General

Guard1: Cold shoulder man...
Guard2: Not talking to you?
Guard1: Yah, we're not mad at eachother anymore but...
Guard2: Sexual tension....
Guard1: There's no team playing now. It's like she's the colonel.
Guard2: I thought you two worked so well together.
Guard1: I'm like a soldier and she's a colonel... or a general.

- Two security guards waiting for the 1BX

Travel Back In Time

I sadly did not catch what this boy was asked by his friend but his answer was:

"Well no, that's only if you travel back in time!" - 1 California 9:30 am

Roller Coaster Bus

I was on the 38 Geary the other day along with a tiny child who, at every downhill no matter how small, would scream and put his hands up in the air as if he were on a roller coaster. I thought this was cute until today, on the 43 Masonic, I saw that this seemed to be a new fad... And when a big group of 12 year olds are screaming at the top of their lungs at every bump and downhill (hello! we are in San Francisco here!) it is far from amusing.
The 43 was so soooo crowded, like never before, because of these kids who insisted on screaming. I can only hope they weren't from San Francisco and that the hills were some kind of "treat" for them, because if they live here and if that's how they react every time they experience hills, I will never ride the 43 again.

When 1 Person Has the Whole Bus Concerned For Their Lives

I am pretty convinced that everyone on the 38 Geary at 4:45Pm today was equally concerned for their lives and for that matter, their limbs. I got on and sat in front of a sexually ambiguous homeless and pretty crazy individual. Luckily for me and my head, there was a row between us. Even that though didn't assure me that I would come out alive since this person was chanting some jumbled poem of sorts about his/her trials and tribulations while simultaneously slamming what looked like a metal pole/fan on the bus seat; to keep the beat of the poem, of course! Needless to say, I got off 3 stops later with my body all intact but maybe a little more deaf in one ear.

Dates With Girls Who Are Married

"So, I went out on this date with this girl.. right? And halfway through she's talking about her boyfriend! So I asked this other girl out and it went well... until she told me she was married! So yesterday I was supposed to meet with this other girl, but she didn't show. Can you believe I've gotten stood up so many times?? It's such bullshit! Again and again!" - Mike*, waiting for the 43 Masonic.

I knew him from a class of mine, what I never asked but couldn't help but think was how he asking these girls out? Clearly the girls were confused and thought he just wanted to hang out as friends if every single one was in a relationship. This kid was an ex army guy who lived on a boat...

*Name changed

Slapping What Tonight?

Guy: What are you tryna do tonight?
Friend: I'm tryna slap tits!

Two high school boys on the 1 California 5:00pm

JayB Gets High On...

"I spent all my money. All my fucking money on PAs, microphones etc... My daddy gave me my own room, my own space to learn. When I play music it makes me feel high and all these other mother fuckers aren't doing anything. It's part of who I am." - JayB, 43 Masonic

JayB On Being In A Band

"I'll only play if I find cool people. Some people to jam with. Hardest thing is to play with other people, it's all about respect, okay? Some asshole will always turn his amp the loudest. I dont want to get the fuck out of his way because I don't respect him. We need to enjoy eachother. I dont want people to tell me to shut the fuck up. " JayB, 43 Masonic

JayB Puts On the Moves

"I'm not saying you're different or not good, you should still come say hi... Can I get your phone number?" - JayB, 43 Masonic

JayB doesn't know what "attractive" means

This is a conversation I overheard between JayB and a girl he was on the bus with a lot:


JayB: I walked her home and she asked me if I was available. Do you think that means available now or like single? I just need to bounce this off you because you know, this shit happens...
Friend: Well do u find her attractive?
JayB: uhhmm...
Friend: Inwardly or outwardly attractive?
JayB: I don't know what you mean by attractive. She was cool on the inside...

JayB's Smarts

"I tested out of high school when I was 16. Fuck that shit. I went straight to City College. I felt like I was just helping people cheat and wasting my time." - JayB,43 Masonic

JayB's Life Goals

"All I wanna do is play music...and teach martial arts. I feel in my heart that these things just happen. We all have bodies, we can all figure that shit out." - JayB, 43 Masonic

JayB can drive fast

"There are lots of ways to have fun. It's a big world out there. I can drive fast. " - JayB, 43 Masonic

Wise men learn from JayB

"I was raised to be a good person. I was let to make all my own decisions and think what is right. But look where I am. A fool learns from his own mistakes and a wise man learns from others." - JayB, 43 Masonic

No bars for JayB

"Bars are retarded. Bitches just want you to buy them drinks. You should be buying me a drink. What the fuck is that shit?" -JayB, 43 Masonic

JayB can't get a girl

JayB* is a kid I used to see on muni a lot. Because of that, I overheard a lot of his obnoxious yet sometimes funny conversations and remarks. The next few posts will be all his words. Though what he said always made me cringe and want to scream, it's a bummer he's not on the bus anymore to add some amusement to the ride:

"I used to go to the mall because I lived in New York.  I had one friend. The place was a shit hole. I was dirt poor. We walked on the freeway. We stole dungeons and dragons books because we didn't have shit and we tried to pick up girls but it didn't work because no girls were brave enough to come experience the shadow of darkness with us. " - JayB, 43 Masonic

Fast 5 Emotions

"I saw this movie called..... Uh.... Fast 5. Motherfucker! The action, the drama.... The Rock! Wow...." 43 Masonic, 11am.

Bottoms Up!

"If you're taking shots you need a line of salt or sugar. I'm soo drunk! Let's go, whores!" - Castro Station, 9:30 pm.

Will you go on a first date with me...on Muni?

Man: Hey, does this bus go to City College?
Me: Yea.
Man: How long does it take?
Me: About 45 minutes.
Man: Great. Thanks. Do you go there?
Me: ....Sometimes...
Man: I like your eyes... Are they brown?
Me: No....Green.
Man: Oh. Well I used to go there... '79, '86...Graduated with a major in marine biology, oceanography. You know Jacques Cousteau?
Me:  Yup.
Man: I wanted to be just like him...Then I went back for business school. Worked at a firm downtown but they went out of business... Now I want to do hotel security... I'm Joe by the way, what's your name?
Me: Uhhh... Amanda*
Man: Are you Spanish?
Me: Sure.
Man: And Caucasian?
Me: No.
Man: I go to church sometimes. The bible is hard to read though....So.... Are you single?
Me: No!

*Did not give him my real name!